November 21, 2008

Wee & waxing

Ben Cousins doesn't do it for me. Never has. He has a slapable face: pretty, smug, arrogant.

The man brims-to-overflowing with insouciance, which in anyone else would be honey-bee attractive.

A little bit of Ben is too much Ben.

Except when it comes to drug testing.

He's a footballer, but apparently, if any team offers to take him in, Ben will become the world's most drug-monitored individual in the world, with the possibility of thrice weekly urine tests, topped-up with whatever number of hair strand drug tests and whatnot throughout the the year.

Cousins' has never tested drug-positive by the AFL. Never.

Cousins' has never been convicted of a crime of a violent or non-victim impacted nature.

Cousins' has no affect on public policy, the passing of legislation, the economy, or the cultural and social norms of our times.

No footballer warrants such intrusive and abusive treatment proposed by the AFL.

There is always the chance that St Kilda will not take him, and that would leave no team wanting him.

It may all be for the best.

With his game over Ben could continue to wax every aspect of his person without fear of anyone demanding that he grow back a minimum three centimetres worth of head, arm or genital hair so as to facilitate the outrageous testing regime that would be imposed on his being.

Cousins comeback

Cousins on notice


  1. Anonymous10:54 PM

    The whole drugs in AFL thing makes me shake my head. The drug teasting regime is atrocious and does nothing to stop players using drugs, particularly in the off season. The "three strikes until we tell anyone" rule? Disgraceful.

    Cycling has had drug problems for years but is doing everything possible to fight the problem. Contracts for cyclsist now include clauses that not only guarantee losing their job if they test positive once but many now include clauses that mean forfeiting any salary you've been paid that year. Essentially, the cyclist has to pay back their earnings for the year if they test positive, a rather large disincentive for cyclists on such teams. Furthermore, the automatic bans for positive tests mean that your livelihood is on the line every day: stick in the needle once and that could be your career.

    Events, national bodies and international bodies have the right to test outside of the regular test and outside of the regular season. Cyclsist can be (and are) roused out of bed at 3am to give blood or urine for testing and they cannot refuse the test.

    The best teams for anti-doping test their own riders. The Garmin team's regime includes " tests Slipstream riders 20 times more often than is required by the Union Cycliste International (UCI), pro cycling’s governing body". Firther, "true to its dedication to total transparency, Slipstream provides access to the riders testing results to approved 3rd parties." Third parties here include accredited media outlets.

    I wish AFL squads would do what Garmin does and make a big deal of their team being clean. Test everyone all the time and publicise that your team is the only team guaranteed to be clean in the AFL. A little bit of peer pressure would do wonders - how long would Eddie McGuire allow Essendon to publicise their "We're the only guaranteed clean team in Melbourne" before Collingwood took the plunge. Sponsors hate drunk drivers and drug users and this sort of thing could bring in sponsors who want their guarantees of clean play.

    But all of this ranting has nothing to do with a waxed chest which seems rather to painful to sit through, as far as I am concerned.

  2. Ah, but Cousins is guilty of doing nothing more or less than what the average person in the street does either chronically or from time to time, even if only in youth: abuse the crap out of recreational drugs.

    Nothing performance enhancing about most illicit drugs - no matter what sphere of one's life the performance is being carried out. Quite the contrary.