December 17, 2006

'Twas the night

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Human Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with four pigs, you know that looked stupid.

The runners had been removed from his sleigh,
the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A..

And people had started to call for the cops
when they heard roof noises up on there roof tops.

Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf would sue o'er the use of his nose.

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
asking for millions of dollars in due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

joined a self help group, and left in a whiz,
demanding from now one her title be 'Ms.'.

And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion
that making a choice could cause such a commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
which ment nothing for him and nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored and made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, nothing for just boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific.

No candy or sweets... They were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie ... (just better off hidden).

For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who said the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, not football ... some one could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.

Dolls were too sexist, and should be pass
And X-box, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.

So Santa just stood there, dishelved, perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
(but you've got to be careful with that word today).

His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.

Something special was needed,
a gift that he might
give to all
without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
each group of people and every religion;

Every ethnicity, each color and hue,
everyone every where... even to you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!"


  1. Anonymous6:13 PM

    Bravo Caz...

    Wonderful mate, thoroughly enjoyed that.

    ( Kath is on her feet clapping loudly and whistling... Woo HOO)

    Take a bow Caz!!!

  2. Anonymous10:59 PM

    What's the matter with you buggers eh?.

    That was a great post by Caz..

    Louder now...

    I can't hear you!!

    Ahhhh fuck 'em.

    They don't know a good post when it hits 'em in the face!

    Yeah.......that gift , it's price beyond worth!!

  3. Anonymous9:44 AM

    Hmmmm think I was a little over exuberant last night Caz, I've scared all the buggers off!

    Must of been the chardonnay!!!
    Ah nothing like a glass or two or three or........Well, you get the picture.

  4. Ah, Kath. Drunk or sober you’re a sweetie.

    Alas, you over-estimate me by an enormous degree. (Not to mention overestimating how much time I have on my hands!)

    The effort is not mine, and I would certainly attribute if I could, but I’ve no idea of its origins. It could have been around for years – in fact, it probably has been – but I’ve never seen it before. Most things like this seem to have done the email rounds for years; or at the least, are resurrected every few years.

    A long time ago I did a post with a really brief verbatim quote from an unnamed academic, and I used quotation marks, plus italic font, and then still had some silly bugger leaving a message accusing me of plagiarism, even though it was CLEARLY attributed to someone other than me, and CLEARLY presented as a QUOTE, and my source for the quote was a tiny little newspaper article with no original source provided. So, truly I would provide a name, number, street address, social security number, and detailed description of the author of this Xmas re-work, if I possibly could!

    Perhaps someone out there knows the origins, but I expect proof would be difficult.

    More important is that you enjoyed it, no matter where it came from.

  5. Wherever it came from, it's hilarious.

  6. Anonymous10:51 PM

    Well I'm ripping it off. And I ain't going to be too fastidious about attribution either.

  7. You can be very sure we won't dob on you Geoff.