Indulge me; I have to do this.
Not because it matters, and not because it’s like watching a train wreck.
No, it’s more superficial than you could ever imagine.
I’m fascinated by the invented stories that appear in the weekly trash mags. They all do it, but none more brazenly than a mag called NW.
It used to be that NW specialized in outrageously speculative stories about the rich and air-headed, with each week bringing either:
(a) A brand new version of the exact same story from the previous week; or
(b) A brand new story, in total contradiction to, and with no memory of the story written the previous week.
Either way, it’s a tour de force formula of fabrication and the weekly editorial meetings must be a hoot. Well, then again, maybe not. Perhaps even they get bored with writing about yet another rumored pregnancy, rumored break up or break down, rumored wedding, etc. All accompanied by photographs and strategically placed giant sized yellow arrows - yes, we readers would have trouble finding the alleged baby bumps on so many whippet thin celebs; arrowed directions really help when the stomachs in question are self-evidentially more concave than sterling signifiers of fecundity. The giant sized yellow arrows are also of enormous assistance to the reader when underarm hair, perspiration, cellulite, loose skin, receding hairlines, coupled-up body language, or cocaine filled nostrils are being discussed.
This week NW excelled in plummeting to new depths of brazenness in their journalistic coverage of all things relating to asinine celebrities, fashionatas and insipid celebutantes. Yes, even I was left gasping for breath to find that they have suddenly started believing their own stories, making the leap from mere speculation to statements of fact, despite the only supporting evidence being their own fictitious stories from the previous week.
Here’s a very small selection from this week:
“Pregnant Kate Hudson faces the prospect of bringing up her unborn baby alone, as both her former husband and new lover leave her and move on.”
“Pregnant Angelina Jolie is furious after Brad Pitt left her alone in
while he headed to LA to host a booze-fueled party …” India
[Is there any other type of party? – ed]
“Less than a month into her marriage, a pregnant Kate Moss has kicked out her new husband Pete Doherty after pictures of the recovering junkie cheating on the supermodel were made public."
There is no evidence for any of the pregnancies or marriage mentioned above. They have all been covered in NW in previous weeks – as nothing other than hyperventilating nonsense. For no reason at all, NW have morphed all of these areas of wild speculation into the realms of fact. Audacious, to say the least.
Some of the other breathtaking story lines in this week’s episode – oops, sorry, “edition” – include:
On Jessica Simpson –
“Where Jess used to keep her phases of compulsive eating a secret, she’s now openly indulging – something she’s never done before. Spotted eating a substantial lunch Jess, 26, clearly didn’t care whether anyone was watching.”
[Meaning: a perfectly normal sized lunch, consisting of food, eaten in a publicly located food processing establishment. How very careless of her. – ed]
On Pamela Anderson –
“… recently fled a Malibu restaurant mid-meal after bursting into tears during an emotional lunch with friends, during which the actress told her pals about all the problems in her fast-disintegrating relationship. … “She was going on about how her marriage was doomed” says a fellow diner at the restaurant. “She was spilling her guts about how he disrespects her how he ignores her … how he refused to compromise on anything.”
Prior to the current episode of NW hitting the stands, it had already been reported and confirmed that Pammy had suffered a miscarriage; she was entitled to private and public tearing-up.
Using the very same photographs as shown in the “my marriage is disintegrating” invention, NW have finally caught up with the truth on their website. Expect a revised version in the hardcopy next week, in which they will do an excellent job of pretending that this week’s story never existed – most especially their gauche and nasty closing paragraph:
“With the short lived union looking likely to fail miserably, the pair must surely be breathing a sigh of relief that their potential break-up won’t be further complicated by the arrival of a newborn child.”
Ouch – I guess that’s what happens when trash mag journalists start believing their own make believe world of gossip stories: their sense of ownership and entitlement grows, along with their delusions about their work.