June 18, 2006

Do my elbows look fat in this?


From the New York Times (Do my Knees Look Fat to You? 15 June 2006) comes the startling news that a youngish woman (34 yrs) has undergone $10,000 worth of liposuction.

As anyone with a passing familiarity with cosmetic surgery will know, $10 K doesn’t buy very much in the way of fat suckage.

But our youngish woman (Ms Conte) had two frightening problems: yes, she had a little roll of fat hanging over the back of her jeans (which her mother unkindly reminded her about by continually coming up from behind and pulling her shirt over it). Worse still Ms Conte suffered from “bra fat”, those scary bulges “that can occur when your bra pushes lumps of fat down your back and up over the bra fastening and to the sides right near your arms".

Ms Conte applied a great deal of effort to address her back fat and bra fat problems, including “lunatic” workouts at the gym and Weight Watchers. Neither of these mundane approaches delivered results.

As a last resort, fat suckage and $10 K saved the day with Ms Conte declaring “it was well worth it”.

Anyone else might have purchased a longer shirt.

Anyone else might have purchased a correctly fitted bra.

[Educational note: it is well know that 168% of all women, around the world, at any point in time, are wearing the wrong size bra, and thus have bumps and bulges where none should be, or would be, if only they had procured a bra in the correct size. The same is true of shirts, t-shirts, jeans, trouser, skirts, bikinis, shoes, and so forth.]

Another patient, standing at 5-foot-10 and weighing 126 pounds, concedes that she is relatively skinny, "But my arms were getting a little flappy. I could feel it wiggle every time I shook hands." Emergency fat suckage to the upper arms was performed.

Anyone else might have lifted the occasional dumb bell, or simply gone for the air kiss, in lieu of the handshake, so as to avoid that flappy feeling.

Another surgeon had a request from a patient to have liposuction of her pubic area.

"In Brazil, bikinis are very small, and she complained that a little bit of fat stuck out over her bikini," he said. In this instance he declined to do the surgery.

Anyone else might have considered investing in a bikini with an extra two millimeters of fabric, before seriously considering surgery.

Imagine how much surgery could be avoided if only women wore correctly fitted clothing.

12 comments:

  1. Caz, usually we are in complete agreement, but a line must be drawn in the sand. And not by that woosie plastic surgeon who refused to remodel that poor girl's pubic region.

    Frankly anything that undermines the Brazilian efforts to master aesthetics should be included in the sedition laws. If a little bit of suction is required to help an ill fitting bra, or to allow appropriate clothing then so be it. This is evolution and you can't stop that!

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  2. Hmm, I see. And you'd be thinking along the lines of two millimeters LESS of fabric on that Brazilian bikini?

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  3. Or any bikini, for that matter?

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  4. In America we call the "bra fat" back bacon. The remedy is diet and exercise unless you are a lazy person.

    More fabric is a less painful option, certainly.

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  5. I'm all for the longer shirts and better fitting bras and clothes. Seeing an 18yo girl with a tube top with a muffin-top* just below it is not something to show off.
    *Muffin-top: the continuous roll of fat around the top of the jeans. AKA: Dunlaps Disease: "My belly dun-laps over my belt."

    Of course, there are plenty of tubby blokes out there who've never seen a walk to the shop in preference to the drive-through at McDonalds either.

    Have to agree with psydoc though on the sedition thing but sometimes a bikini can be too small. That air of mystery is a good thing to keep intact :)

    "back bacon" - gonna have to use that :)

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  6. Jai - you know what some friends of mine (certainly not me - far too much of a gentleman!) call those young, somewhat chubby girls when they're out on the town wearing those more-or-less backless tops held together by a few strands of taut string that cut in to their puffy flesh?

    Rolled roasts.

    Do women have nicknames for those guys with enormous, overhanging guts? I'd be interested to know, ladies...

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  7. PS: hello, Caz! Long time no see, eh? :)

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  8. James, your question borders on irrelevance. We men do not care about beer bellies. The bigger the better I say, sign of a good life. None of this austerity crap.

    Women are too busy looking at each other to make up silly names.

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  9. James LIVES!

    Hello stranger!

    Actually rolled roast is a perfect analogy for that particular fashion crime.

    Beer gut. Yep, that's about the worst and only thing that a man is ever accused of in regard to his physical self. Other than younger men sometimes being accused of having a cute butt, but apart from that, men's bodies are private property, and thus don't attract any level of condemnation. For that reason the entire lexicon that would be needed if their bodies were public property, and thus came under perpetual public scrutiny, simply doesn't exist. There is no language to commentate the male appearance. (BTW - when was the last time you heard anyone commenting on a man being "waaay too thin".)

    Not dissimilar to the way that "spinster" has a particular and negative connotiation; there is no equivalent to apply to a man - "bachelor" has a jaunty, care free, urbane air to it.

    Men's bodies and their general appearance, other than the proudly held and heavily invested beer gut isn't open to public discourse.

    Weekly magazines would only be three pages long if the female body and appearance was off the public agenda.

    Soooo, does that answer your question James? :-D

    Errr, now, don't YOU be a stranger now!

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  10. I was thinking exactly the same thing with regards to the one-sidedness of this topic. Kinda pointless really to comment since nobody really cares what a bloke looks like - especially if it's another bloke.

    I grew up in a country town and I have heard comments about what a bloke is if he is too thin: "has AIDS."

    A bloke having a huge, overhanging beer gut shouldn't be exempt from being told that he's a porker either.

    I've got a gut but it ain't from drinking - never drunk a drop (I'm this silly and annoying without it costing me a cent! :)

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  11. Silly and annoying? Nay!

    And the fact that you do some of the best rants on the blogosphere without so much as a stiff drink to keep the flow going is a testament to your, um, amazing ability to be sobber and, um, ranty.

    It's why we luv you.

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  12. Cube,

    I'd never heard that term before. Men wouldn't dare use it.

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