As if Easter eggs appearing on January 2 each year and Christmas decorations being wheeled out for public irrition by around September isn't bad enough, the fooking close-callers have already been spotted!
Yes, it's not even the end of January - at least eight months out from the federal election (more likely ten months) - and the close-callers have been sited on Mumble.
Yeah. Sure. So. Close. Too close too call. Close enough to now, in January, call it as a close call.
Sticking their necks out. Daring soothsayers.
Tips for youse close-callers: you've peaked too soon; calling a close-call isn't brave, it's a non-prediction, it's fence sitting, it's wishy-washy, it's lazy.
I'll make it easy, for the entirety of 2013, this is how it's going to pan-out: the Liberal coalition will win the federal election this year, decisively, unambiguously, with a big whopping majority in the House of Reps.
No matter if they, or the ALP, change leaders;
no matter if interest rates go up or down;
no matter if employment or the CPI goes up, down or round-about;
no matter if Rudd crosses the horizon to 10 million Twitter followers;
no matter if Craig Thomson, Peter Slipper or some other douche-bag does anything illegal or despicable;
no matter if Abbott declares himself a hipster and grows a beard;
no matter Gillard parachutes rolled-gold celebrities into every lower house seat (hands up anyone who cares who's in the upper house?);
no matter if a tree falls in the forest and everyone hears;
no matter if Tim and Julia announce a wedding date;
no matter if Abbott buckles, folds, concedes or capitulates on the carbon tax;
no matter if hell freezes over of the Pope is not a Catholic;
no matter if the Gillard government passes a law to prevent people from saying nice things about the opposition;
no matter if there are inexplicable flying objects across the entire planet;
no matter if Joe Hocking loses another 20 kilos;
no matter the results of any opinion poll published during the year (ignore them);
no matter if Turnball and Rudd join hands to create their own party
- there is nothing that can happen that will prevent a convincing defeat of the Labor Party. Nothing.
I'm not sticking my neck out. It's just what it is.
The game is already over, but we'll still be obliged to sit through the shenanigans, euphemisms, vindictive sound bites, kowtowing to every public whim and promises from all and sundry to throw money around like drunken union officials at a brothel. Painful days ahead. It's just what it is.
Welcome to election year 2013!