October 29, 2010

Not popular

The NSW ALP is the least popular government - EVER.

(Well, all except that one other time ...)

Latest polling shows a staunch 23% hanging onto the love. 

More data to the pool of evidence that suggests men come over all egalitarian when things are on the skids to hell, and, with no previous history or inclination, decide to give an important job to a women.

Kristina Keneally is smart, savvy, sincere and appears to be an exceptionally nice lady (attractive too, because, hey, that matters so much in politics).  What a fucking despicable waste of a talented woman in politics.  We've seen this too often.  It's becoming a little stale.

Extra relaxed chooks

... the process [is called] “controlled atmosphere stunning,” but Mr. Pitman said his company was considering the phrase “sedation stunning” for use on its packages. Also on the short-list: “humanely slaughtered,” “humanely processed” or “humanely handled.”
The trick, he said, is to communicate the goal of the new system, which is to ensure that the birds “not have any extra pain or discomfort in the last few minutes of their lives.” 
Yes, the marketing of stress-free chook deaths will be one of the great moral PR challenges of this decade.
Two premium chicken producers, Bell & Evans in Pennsylvania and Mary’s Chickens in California, are preparing to switch to a system of killing their birds that they consider more humane. The new system uses carbon dioxide gas to gently render the birds unconscious before they are hung by their feet to have their throats slit, sparing them the potential suffering associated with conventional slaughter methods. 
Coming to a store near you will be gently dug carrots and the beautiful killing of beef.


New way to help chickens cross to the other side

Duck Friday

October 28, 2010

For the love of (deity of choice) - nooooo!!!!!!

"In the second and third films, which will be self-contained stories that also fulfill a greater story arc, we will not back off the throttle of Avatar's visual and emotional horsepower, and will continue to explore its themes and characters, which touched the hearts of audiences in all cultures around the world" - James Cameron
Back off, for the love of (deity of choice), back off NOW!

Kill Avatar:  save all cultures around the world!!

October 27, 2010

Another excellent evening

Naked prostitute hiding in fear in the wardrobe.

Naked man:

- Intoxicated

- Coked-up

- Irrational

- Violent

- Disturbed.

Yes, it's another perfect evening in the life of Charlie Sheen.

Wednesday Wisdom

I myself have never been able to find out what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

Rebecca West

October 24, 2010

Clinton did use rubbers!

Contrary to all evidence presented in The Starr Report, Bill Clinton did use rubbers, albeit, one would suggest, unsuccessfully:
"Mr Clinton kept the codes, printed on a laminated piece of card, "rubber-banded to his credit cards", in a trouser pocket". 
As the story now goes, Clinton managed to lose the codes with which to begin the process of launching a nuclear strike.

Oddly, the Pentagon had no process in place to address the loss of Clinton's - or, we assume, anyone's - codes.  Apparently the masters of the nukes on behalf of the free world have never come across human error or foibles, or the unsafe nature of anything in or near Bill's trouser pocket.

We imagine that a process, or extra strength rubber bands, have been in place for subsequent presidents.

Clem wants safer parks for dogs

Clem Newton-Brown is the "real local, real cation" Liberal candidate for my electorate in the up-coming state election.

Haven't you often thought:  won't someone please think about the dogs?

Well, someone has and his name is Clem.

Clem is running with the show-stopper campaign slogan of "making our parks safer for dogs".

In addition to being one of our local candidates, Clem is a volunteer Australian Customs puppy trainer.

Haven't you often thought:  bugger the blind people, won't someone please think about customs?

Well, someone has and his name is also Clem.

He had me at: "Clem Newton-Brown with his Australian Customs puppy Paige".

Forget the election campaign, my vote is already taken.

(P.S - Message to Ted Baillieu:  get it together big boy; if you can't win this one in a doddle, you'll never win.)

Where are the matching jumpsuits?

I can't even be certain that my PC will backup reliably, or at all, but one award winning lunatic scientist is promising brain back ups within twenty years.
People will be able back up the human brain including all of the memories it contains within the next two decades, according to a leading scientist.
Ha!

I insist on repeating myself:  ha!

It has to be noted that this is the same genius behind voice recognition technology.  (And yes, don't we all love that IT solution.)

We were supposed to have matching silver (or burgundy) body-hugging jumpsuits by now, with optional personal spacecrafts.

If we haven't mustered the collective intelligence and will to agree on a jumpsuit design and fabric, I'm not optimistic about the whole brain download and back up thing within a dazzlingly brief 20 years.

Besides:  most of us are trying to forget stuff; brain backups are for masochists. 

Scientist predicts stuff .... 

October 22, 2010

October 20, 2010

Wednesday Wisdom

I don't care what they do with my book so long as the flippin check clears.

Chuck Palahniuk 

October 15, 2010

Using words offensive

It's becoming a concern that using our words almost inevitably offends someone, somewhere, some, or all, of the time.

Acres of newsprint, ether space and aural activity are almost daily dedicated to anguish over someone or other "using a word".

We could call it the speaking syndrome, but let's make it narrow and stick with the problem of the plague of "using a word".

Whore.

Fagot.

Gay.

The latest outbreak of using-a-word was from a film in which actor Vince Vaughn speaks the line:  "... electric cars are gay ...".

Offensive, hey?

Well, if you were gay or lesbian you'd be apoplectic about such degrading using-a-word behavior.

Even the film about the baby-billionaire who wrote the code that gave the world - and owns the majority shares of - Facebook has been given a violent feminist shellacking for a script in which some women are described as bitches, including some who were.

I can see that my personal lexicon is going to get shorter and shorter.

Fuck.  Bottoms.  Testicles.  Elbow.  Cunt.  Earlobe.  Bugger.  Footpath.  Prick.

Duck Friday

October 13, 2010

McDonald's - built to last

McDonald's Happy Meal:  still happy after 180 days.

Gives pause for thought.  All of it ominous.

Wednesday Wisdom

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison

October 8, 2010

October 7, 2010

Duh Research

In their populate or perish research paper, Australian authors Jessica Brown and Oliver Marc Hartwich demonstrate 35 ways to be irritatingly stupid.

The research, coming from the Centre for Independent Studies, tested 36 scenarios and found that cessation of all migration and a huge drop in births was the only means by which Australia's population would "stabilize" - by which they mean:  stop increasing.

Under all of the other 35 scenarios Australia's population would - wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it ... continue to increase! 

Fark.

Wish someone would pay me to do this shit.

Average IQ Persistently Average

A survey of 2000 British respondents aged 18 to 25 has found that ten percent of young folk believe that eating meat influences the sex of babies; 12 per cent believe that a Cesarean section is a religious group; and 20% believe both that the umbilical cord is a musical instrument and that a human preganncy lasts for a year.

Free condoms might be a cure.  But just as likely not. 

October 6, 2010

Wednesday Wisdom

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Eric Hoffer

October 4, 2010

Blog blockage

Blog blockages are, in general, created when I can't be arsed posting, or when I don't have time to do anything other than a disservice to the topic and to my adoring readers.  It's not for lack of things to talk about, in other words.  

Circumstances, obligations and opportunity cost have to be taken into account as the years and the blog roll on.

Periods of apathy and indifference also contribute to what one might assume is a blog blockage.  But in fact such times are bought about by - usually, but not always -  real life intervening to render the importance of a blog post - no matter how tantalizing the topic - trite, even ludicrous.

To be clear:  I have, at any moment in time, a few dozen potential topics at my tips, most of which never make it to the keyboard.  Some of the topics are vapid, but others are worthy and deserve an airing, even if my particular take on things doesn't.  I often rue my lack of time to blog, itching to present some matter of import or amusement, but the moment passes and I have to move on.  And I often rue the time I take to blog, the real cost of it, when I could be writing something else, something more sustained. 

But enough about me.  Let's talk about writers block.

No other group of workers lay claim to blockage the way writers do, not even plumbers.

Ever heard of a CEO refusing to get out of bed because he has a bad case of chief executive blockage?  Or gardeners block?  Chef blockage?  Clerks seizing up in fright, unable to remember how to file in ascending date order?

Wunder-boy, American writer Jonathan Franzen, supposedly had such a staggeringly crippling case of writers block when writing his latest novel -  Freedom - that he was forced to cure it by writing blindfolded and with earplugs.

Yes.

He is a monumental wanker.

A very rich wanker.

October 3, 2010

Laziest job in the universe

Clock on:  9:01am.

Aliens present:  nil.

Clock off: 9:02am.

Time taken for annual performance review:  12 and a half seconds.

(Yes, it's true:  I'm jealous because I want to work for any bureaucracy called the Office for Outer Space.)

The UN, bless 'em, believe they're best placed to coordinate first human communications with aliens.  In the same manner they coordinate peace, health and happiness across Earth, I imagine.

As always, some expert in space law and governance (yes, yes, I want to be one of them too) shows what a blithering fool he is by trotting out the rubbish line that first contact is still most likely to be via radio or light signals.

Yep, the ancient technologies of radio or light signals, which can barely make it past gravity:  going to reach aliens - any day now.

Yeah.  Right.

UN appoints Earth contact for aliens

Err

During the last 15 years Telstra has managed to jettison around 60,000 staff - yes, that's about 20,000 ever five years.  If the trend continues, there will be two staff left running the entire company within less than a decade.

This is not a bad thing.

The only shocking fact about this level of sustained job loss is that no one noticed.  The company went on, not as before, but rather better - although the latter has much to do with evolving technology and support than with getting rid of the number of bodies building and supporting the technology.

Big surprise then, with the announcement of another 6000 happy little Telstra employees to be given the boot, to hear whinging and whining from pollies.
Labor Senator Doug Cameron, a former trade union official, is not impressed with the plan.

"I don't think companies, given the state of the economy, should be looking at downsizing or cutting jobs,'' he said.
"There should be reciprocal obligations from companies in this country to try to keep workers in as long as possible.''
Given the state of the economy?  Like, err, the whole booming economy thing?  Hey look at us:  the GFC passed-us-by!!   That parlous economy?

Reciprocity?  Arrhh, that would be because ... ummm?  Did someone bail Telstra out of the quandary of too much surplus cash?  Did I miss that?

Barnaby Joyce jumped into the story, as is his want, concerned the job cuts will come from the bush.

The bush?  Like, err, that would be the thousands of Telstra staff sitting in the bush then?

Doe anyone in this country have a clue?

October 1, 2010

Go Collingwood!

A family of Collingwood supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. 

While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey, Pox Face, I've decided to become a Geelong supporter and I want this for Christmas."

His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says, "Dickhead, go talk to mum
."

Off goes the little lad with the Geelong jumper stuffed up his T-shirt and finds his mum.

"Mum?"

"Yeah, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas".

His mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says, "We’ll see about that, you little creep, we’ll go ‘n talk to your father!"

Off they go to the local prison during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand, to find Moose, his toothless and heavily tattooed father.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Knackers?"

"Dad, I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas".

Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and snarls,

"No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!" and then kicks the young lad’s arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.

About half an hour later, mum, daughter and battered son are all back in the rusty old Falcon, heading towards home. Mum turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"

The son responds: "Bloody oath I have!"

"Good, Knackers, what is it?" 

The son replies,"I've only been a Geelong supporter for a day and already I hate you
Collingwood pricks!”


(Via our ever alert WA reporter:  Kathy)

Duck Friday