August 30, 2008

Huh?

David Duchovny, husband of Tea Leoni, who has failed to be subject of even a lilliputian amount of salacious gossip or trash mag fodder for being an unfaithful floozy, has voluntarily admitted himself to a facility of some sort for sex addiction.


An occasional series

A vexillologist is someone who studies flags.

August 29, 2008

August 27, 2008

Wednesday Wisdom

A woman who wildly mismanages and bankrupts a quarter-of-a-billion-dollar campaign operation, and then blames sexism in society, will dampen the dreams of our daughters.

Maureen Dowd

(Dowd's suggested variation on a pile of bilge provided in the Democrat's Convention literature about the achievements of Hillary Clinton)

August 25, 2008

Oh

We sent 433 Australian competitors to the China Olympic Games and they came back with 46 medals.

Just sayin'.

My Spam

I was very nearly tempted to open my spam mail so as to accept my free health samples, but bristled and stopped at the thought that this was likely a sneaky trap to send me an even bigger penis than the last time.

Fool me once.

Fool me twice.

Fool me three times.

Fool me four times.

Fool me five times.

Ah, but you can't fool me six times!

August 24, 2008

Young and British

"They scream, they sing, they fall down, they take their clothes off, they cross-dress, they vomit."
Konstantinos Lagoudakis, mayor of Malia on Crete, about young British tourists.

Drunka wins tour of Wonka Factory

Back in the mists of time, self-described-blogger, Drunkablog, was denied blog-reporter accreditation at the Democratic Convention being held in Denver. That decision by organizers both sucked and blowed.

Back in the mists of this last month, Drunkablog was also denied a ticket to attend Obama's acceptance speech.

Such rejection and failure beggars belief given that the Rocky Mountain News recently described Drunka as a national living treasure and one of the seven most wondrous bloggers of all time.

Well, pretty darned close:
"The Drunkablog specializes in hostile coverage of the extreme left, an important local topic in light of plans for protests at the Democratic National Convention. Last Saturday, the Re-create 68 Alliance organized a tiny rally on the steps of the state Capitol, denouncing U.S. policy toward Iran. The event was too small to merit coverage in the Denver dailies, so Drunkablog performed a useful function by providing pictures of the protesters and their signs, such as "Abort the troops." Read it at thedrunkablog. blogspot.com"
Fortunately for our plucky little blogger - who has performed all kind of useful blogging functions since February 2005 - someone must have decided to heroically give their life to free up a ticket to Obama's speech, which is now in the hot sweaty little hands of the Drunka, who, with patience but little hope, had been languishing on the ticket waiting list.

For all your Convention coverage, live from Denver, including a first hand account of Obama's speech, regular forays over to The Drunkablog will be mandatory for the duration.

On ya John G Martin!

Drunkablog gets invite to promised land

Political web sites for the insatiable

August 22, 2008

I have no comment

Zuma Nesta Rock

An occasional series

Eosophobia is fear of the dawn, best avoided if the sufferer is a asleep at dawn.

Duck Friday

August 20, 2008

He plays Tom well




I watched the much fawned and gushed over performance of Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood the other day.

Who would have predicted, back in the days of Magnum PI, that a vaunted actor such as Day-Lewis would one day win an Oscar for doing such a beaut job of playing Tom Selleck.

Go figure.

Wednesday Wisdom

"Brown is not a colour, heavy metal is not a type of music, and Courier is not a typeface."

Jim Endersby

August 18, 2008

Life mystery



So, here's the burning question: why don't men dress in skimpy skin tight midriff tops and little bikini-like bottoms when participating in athletic events and team sports.

Seriously, I want answers.

August 17, 2008

You wouldn't hear about it

Can you imagine this New York Times editorial appearing in any of our papers:
"We like to root for the home team as much as anyone. But with the federal budget deep in the red, the economy in the doldrums, a broken military in need of repair, and enormous unmet domestic needs, we can think of a lot better places to invest federal resources than in building a sports machine. Let some rich benefactors augment the $130-million-a-year budget of the United States Olympic Committee.

If we are looking to invest in sports, we would be wiser to spend money on daily gym classes and after-school athletic programs. That would not produce a large crop of Olympians, but it would help combat the growing obesity epidemic among American youngsters and yield health benefits worth more than Olympic gold."

*Snort*

*Sniggle*

*Chortle*

Between 1980 and 1996 the number of gold medals won at the Olympics by Aussie athletes cost Australian tax payers $37 million dollars a piece. If you count gold, silver and bronze, it cost us $8 million per bit of dangly metal. Not that we tax payers see any personal return on that investment. The winner is given - and takes - it all.

Studies have shown that there isn't any "trickle down" effect. Gold medals for a few doesn't engender increased participation in sport by the many, nor by the kiddies, for whom out best sports people are allegedly uber role models. Zip. Nadda.

Those dollar figures and medal counts are very old too, 12 years and several Olympics out of date, but don't kid yourself: since 1996 the buckets of our tax dollars poured into elite athletes has grown exponentially, with no corresponding increase in Olympic medals.

If you really want a good belly laugh: imagine that level of tax payer funding, with the corresponding small success, being poured into, say, elite authors who fail to get published, or elite scientists who take 35 years to find something extraordinary for humanity (which is then bought for a few dollars by an overseas company, of course), or who fail to make progress at all.

Gotta laugh. No, really, you have to, otherwise you'd cry.

NYTs - Our idea of gold

August 15, 2008

Moo counted?

Yes, I know, it's feast or famine with our penis chronicles, isn't it? Entire months have passed uneventfully, then - whoosh - peni stories aplenty!

A 53 year old Brazilian man was recently charged with having sex with 400 cows.

He admitted to police that he tried having sex with a woman on one occasion, but finding the experience distasteful, he continued with his interest in cows and horses.

Among the clues left at the scene/s(?) by the man were biscuit packets, one of which was found about his person when he was arrested.

Thankfully, we have been spared any explanation for the whole biscuit thing.

Penis protection program

In Darwin yesterday a man was granted an interim domestic violence order in the hope of preventing his former girlfriend from cutting off his penis.

The terrified Tony Goodchild thanked the judge before hurrying out of the court clutching two backpacks and his newly issued DVO, presumably to high-tail it back to the long grass where he has been hiding from the ex-girlfriend since she bashed him up.

The magistrate insisted that Goodchild swear on the bible that he was not merely inventing the threat to cut off his penis. Thus satisfied, the judge bestowed the injunction.

We wish Goodchild and his penis a long and safe future together.

Duck Friday

August 14, 2008

More furniture fantasies

Oh, how fondly we remember the chap who enjoyed private time with his own garden table in his own backyard, only to have his furniture fetish activities photographed by his neighbor who high-tailed the evidence to the local constabulary.

More recently in Hong Kong, Le Xing, aged 41, nearly ended up with his penis being amputated when he took a shine to a metal park bench.

His penis became stuck.

A dozen emergency workers came to his aid, with doctors eventually taking four hours to free his appendage from what was otherwise intended as a fun sexual interlude.

During the course of the rescue, doctors attempted to drain Xing's blood in a futile attempt to loosen his penis from the grip of the bench.

August 13, 2008

Game on


"Even though a lot of people compare Michael to a fish, growing up I never knew he would be a fish."

Debbie Phelps, proud mother of a big fish

The House of 1000 Mirrors

Japanese Folktale

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, “This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often.”

In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, “That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again.”

Wednesday Wisdom

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

Rita Mae Brown

August 9, 2008

Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!

Full henny-penny credit to the locals!

In sunny little Melbourne, violence is predicted to increase - thanks to global warming - with such increases to likely to become evident by 2010, and highly likely by 2030.

Hmm.

Those predictions sound disturbingly exact, dizzyingly robust.

Hmm.

Let's see now: 2010 you say?

That would be a mere 18 months away?

Hmm.

Current climate right here, right now, right in this predicted crime of heat central?
TOP PRIORITY FOR IMMEDIATE BROADCAST VICTORIAN
SEVERE WEATHER WARNING
for Intense cold outbreak conditions and hazardous driving conditions.
For people in southern and mountain districts.
Issued at 3:00 pm EST on Saturday 9 August 2008

Severe cold outbreak conditions will extend into western Victoria tonight and
across remaining southern and mountain districts on Sunday.
Hazards include snowfalls down to 400 metres affecting roads that rarely experience snow.
Black ice across roads. Dangerously cold conditions for both livestock and people in the bush or outdoors. Squally winds in the west of the State with gusts around 85 km/h.

------

The council's environment committee chairman Fraser Brindley said the whole report was "alarming" and the council needed to respond immediately.

"It's the canary in the coalmine," he said.

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

------

While our local councilors get all chirpy cheep cheep with incomprehension, our local constabulary are maintaining a firm grip on their sphere of influence when it comes to playing god with the climate, or even making plans for climatic turbulence:

"a police spokesman said considering the effect of climate change was not a priority for the force.

"Drug, alcohol and youth related violence are our main concerns at this time, they form the focus of our attention in reducing violence," he said.

"The possible effect of global warming is well down the list of priorities at this time."

Violence to rise as city gets hotter

The truth: we eat too much

"In 1970, the average American ate about 16.4 pounds of food a week, or 2.3 pounds daily. By 2006, the average intake grew by an additional 1.8 pounds a week.

Among other things, that's an extra half pound of fat weekly - mostly from oils and shortening."
The overflowing American dinner plate

Rehearse to survive

Don't dilly-dally, resist your natural urge to mill about with the mob, if there is no one to follow become a leader, and plan and practice your reactions.

In essence, that's what you need to do to have the best odds of surviving a disaster.

Most people probably do none of these things.

Learning to be your own best defense in a disaster


Test how prepared you are to survive - take this little survey

August 8, 2008

Good point

The KRudd grocery price web site was launched this week, to howls of derision.

An anonymous bunch of groceries from the different major supermarkets will be priced once a month, with grocery chains and collated prices grouped across vast defined regions of the country.

As our lack-lustre opposition leader Nelson said:
"Telling Australians what the price of baked beans was a month ago and putting it on the Internet is not going to do anything to bring the price of groceries down."
Can't argue with that.

Really, even if you want to, you can't argue with that!

Rudd's grocery website a basket case

Duck Friday

August 6, 2008

Scum Award

Only days ago we had a little chat about the latest brouhaha over Sam Newman and his Footy Show slip of the tongue when speaking of Tasmanian Minister Paula Wriedt.

The Minister was admitted to hospital a couple of days ago, after what we now know was a suicide attempt.

Wriedt was struggling with the separation from her second husband, and the separation from her young children no doubt, who apparently remained living in the family home with the husband. In addition, it was public knowledge that Wriedt had experienced post-natal depression following the birth of her last child.

But that's not the worst of it.

Last week, via his lawyer, a government driver sent a letter to the Tassie government, Wriedt's employer, requesting a high six figure sum of money. The exact nature of the request has not been revealed yet, but the driver allegedly had an affair with Wriedt. We can only deduce that he is now calling it sexual harassment, or is claiming emotional turbulence, to such an extent that only a large sum of money will restore his equilibrium.

On a scale of low-life scum or sexist pigdom, Sam Newman looks like a gentleman compared to this douchebag chauffeur. What an
egregious arsehole of a man.

Imagine the universe without Hubble

"... there is a group less well known: people like C.R. O’Dell, known as Bob, who gave up his research career to manage the space telescope project at the Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Ala.; Nancy G. Roman, who championed space astronomy to the agency and her colleagues; Lyman S. Spitzer Jr., the Princeton astronomer who thought up the telescope way back in 1946 and then was frozen out of using it; Frank J. Cepollina, the Goddard Space Flight Center engineer who designed Hubble’s servicing missions.

These people spent years trudging the corridors of Congress and NASA, fighting bureaucratic battles, defending budgets, hassling with contractors, making hard decisions that alienated their friends, devising fantastical fixes for fantastical problems, skirting the edge of the law and generally growing old without glory."

A new book on Hubble - review - Inside story of the telescope that nearly wasn't built

Wednesday Wisdom

The future is much like the present, only longer.

Dan Quisenberry

August 4, 2008

Handy dandy fact

Killer whales (Orcinus Orca) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Which is fine, if you don't like your meals served neatly on a plate with cutlery and a serviette.

Didak rides again

Alan Didak has a wee problem when it comes to getting into cars driven by men who are blind drunk: ergo, he keeps doing it, like a slow learner.

This time there were no gun shots fired at police or buildings.

Well, that's progress in the right direction!

Didak and Collingwood heavies are denying that Didak was in Heath Shaw's car when Shaw was driving with an alcohol reading of .144.

By absolute coinky-dink Didak just happened to be drinking at a pub within walking distance of the 11.30pm accident in which his fellow Collingwood player totaled two parked cars, including a Peugeot 306.

Yep, Didak must have heard the screeching tyres from a pub somewhere in Kew, his sixth sense made him wonder the streets in search of his buddy, and, having found him pissed, but unharmed, amidst three wrecked cars (inclusive of his own) Didak scampered off into the night. As you do.


Shaw apologises for drink-driving



Bang go demographic trends again

Well, well, well, the gay equality push has sounded the death knell for both accidental relationships and accidental breeding for heterosexuals.

Ah, don't you just love unintended consequences?

I know I do.
"Marriage is being imposed on everyone whether they like it or not," says Patrick Parkinson, professor of law at the University of Sydney. "It will come as a shock to some people."

... couples who entered a de facto relationship intending to keep their assets separate will be treated like married people under the changes. The court will be able to combine their assets and divide them according to "contributions" and "future needs".

The bill will also enable superannuation assets to be split, an option now open only to married people."
Pressure enough on our resources and infrastructure with the single person household continuing it's seemingly unstoppable strong growth; then you throw in a big dollop of men who have decided that their little swimmers will never be used for their intended purpose, more women deciding that their ovum will likewise choke, and a whole basket of women missing the breeding path by dent of the clock passing midnight of it's own accord, not by design - AND NOW the Ruddy government is set to pass legislation that will kill off the whole "trial marriage" thing, the "oops, but we did put the condom on properly" thing, - one or either of which often lead to marriage, or if not marriage, at least a happy little household with a loving family contained therein.

But, no more.

I confidently predict that people will still live together, but far fewer will make it past the two year defacto alarm mark. Most, if they're smart, will have a departure date circled before they've unpacked their bags.

And who can blame them?

The government is about to impose, to force, marriage, or at least a marriage-like state, a marriage-like commitment, on any couple who live together for two years for the purpose of having sexual relations, no matter their oun wishes or intentions in entering into such a living arrangement.

I'm disgusted.

If fewer men and women were marrying and breeding before (and oh yes, we do rather rely on those pesky heterosexuals for population replacement purposes), just wait until the pending precipitous decline hits in the next decade.

Way to go the Federal ALP.

Couldn't foresee a few dozen foreseeable consequences if they whacked 'em in the face and blinded 'em.

Till debt do us part: a rude shock for defactos

Huge surprise for Jen!

John Mayer is tipped to propose to Jennifer Aniston in September.

Exact date, time and location not yet known.

Now, don't anyone go spoiling the surprise by telling Jennifer.

(Oi Mayer: no pressure, no pressure.)

John Mayer reportedly set to propose

August 3, 2008

Trolling: Internet eugenics

There are an endless number of psychologically and sociologically fascinating discussions one could have stemming from this little focus piece in The New York Times - The Trolls Among Us.

We all know that the Internet can be a hyper Lord of the Flies environment. It's not for wimps, Despite the number of kittens posted online, the Internet is not for wimps. The Internet is uglier, nastier and more brutal than daily dose of someone's cute pet would suggest.
"[A] troll explained the lulz as a quasi-thermodynamic exchange between the sensitive and the cruel: “You look for someone who is full of it, a real blowhard. Then you exploit their insecurities to get an insane amount of drama, laughs and lulz. Rules would be simple: 1. Do whatever it takes to get lulz. 2. Make sure the lulz is widely distributed. This will allow for more lulz to be made. 3. The game is never over until all the lulz have been had.”
------
Technology, apparently, does more than harness the wisdom of the crowd. It can intensify its hatred as well."
An interesting and slightly disturbing read.

Spain: the place to buzz

Bank notes across the world are pretty much covered in narcotics of one kind or another, but Spain has taken out first place in Europe, racking up a tidy average per note of 155 micograms of cocaine.

When you muliply that across all the Spanish bank notes in circulation, that's an awful lot of wasted cocaine.

Only a little bit dead?

No plane, no body.

Did Steve Fossett fake his death?

Into thin air ...

August 1, 2008

Let's talk about Sam



Last night on the Footy Show, Sam Newman said of Tasmanian Minister Paula Wriedt (who had just appeared in a clip to promote the Tasmanian bid for their own AFL team):

"worthy of coming on her".

Hardly original.


Hardly shocking.


Many men sitting in the audience and at home were almost certainly thinking the same thing.


Sam happened to say it out loud, on live television, as is his wont.


Today there is outrage, disgust and vomiting across the land.

The story was page one of today's Melbourne commuter newspaper
Mx, with the sub-headline

"sleazy Sam offends women again".


On page three of today's
Mx is a photograph of a a model wearing a black bra designed as two hands, thereby, obviously, giving the appearance of her young, perky breasts being cupped by a pair of hands. The headline to accompany the pic:

"
Anything more than a handful is just a waste."

Can
anyone explain to me the difference between Sam's "sleazy" comment and the Mx page three headline?

Isn't it time we grew up?


Isn't it time we stopped being bare-arsed hypocrites?

Duck Friday