April 30, 2008

UPS Flight Gripe Sheet

After every flight UPS pilots fill out a form called a ‘gripe sheet' that lets mechanics know about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Below, real complaints submitted by the UPS pilots ( P) and solutions recorded by real UPS maintenance engineers (S).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten-up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


  1. LOL thats too funny... I like the midget one the best I think :)

  2. Anonymous11:22 PM

    The midget one reminded me of an episode from the original Twilight Zone.

    If anyone remembers the gremlin one....spooky.

    O that's right you'd have to be an old fart to remember that.

    But that was funny funny funny.

    Thanks Caz.

  3. Difficult to believe Justin, but I haven't memorized too many episodes of the Twilight Zone.

    Umm, took me several minutes of gazing at the hallucination on the ceiling to recall that Twilight Zone was, indeed, a telly show, and you weren't just making up some sick and sleazy midget fantasy thingy and reliving it on my blog.

    But you weren't, so that's alright then.

    As you were.