A bewildered and amused, Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard says a poll naming her as Australia's second sexiest woman is "very unusual".
The rest of the country was distraught and appalled and said the poll result is "a pile of dog-shit".
In international news, Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony will receive a "record" $US6 million ($AU6.5 million) for the first pictures of their twins, or their newly minted "dueling narcissists", as they'll henceforth be known to you and me.
The pictures of the babies will be shared by People and OK! magazines.
Until proven otherwise, I'm assuming that the two mag's will get one baby a piece, and will have a bitch-slap fight over who gets the pics of which spawn of Satan.
OK! magazine will print the pictures in their 15 international editions and are, apparently. beside themselves with excitement.
A spokesperson for the OK! magazine said: "It is fantastic for these international markets, and especially important with the immense strength the exclusive will bring to the new launch of OK! Spain."
The share price of all international markets plummeted overnight and at least 300 Spaniards have been trampled to death as millions attempt to leave the country on foot.
Plans for feeding the entire third world for the next two years have been put on hold until J-Lo and her obscenely proliferate addition to the spawntourage have been paid for a couple of photoshoped digital pictures, following their exit from the womb.
On a much happier note, Paris Hilton has reportedly been banned from the Oscars.
The hotel heiress - whose latest movie The Hottie and the Nottie grossed just $9,000 at the US box office in its opening weekend - was devastated after being told she couldn't attend the event.
A source said: "She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She's desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives."
Hot? Salty? Tears?
Hey, wasn't that how we all reacted to One Night in Paris?
Ooops. Sorry. That was: "cold", "bitter", "snorts".
Paris had even splashed out £2 million on a designer dress for the ceremony at Hollywood's Kodak Theatre.
Sure she did ("snort"). Because two million in British pounds is around four million in Australian money, and for those sort of dollars she could buy one frock, Buckingham Palace, 86 new chihuahuas and a nose job.
(I said nose job!)
Paris is now considering going to one of the many after-show parties but may have to wear a disguise.
A source added to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards but might wear her trademark wig to save her dignity."
We all know that attending parties in disguise, because you're not invited, not welcome and you're the Ebola of celebutards, is extraordinarily dignified.