February 20, 2008

Tatty tid-bits

A bewildered and amused, Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard says a poll naming her as Australia's second sexiest woman is "very unusual".

The rest of the country was distraught and appalled and said the poll result is "a pile of dog-shit".

In international news, Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony will receive a "record" $US6 million ($AU6.5 million) for the first pictures of their twins, or their newly minted "dueling narcissists", as they'll henceforth be known to you and me.

The pictures of the babies will be shared by People and OK! magazines.

Until proven otherwise, I'm assuming that the two mag's will get one baby a piece, and will have a bitch-slap fight over who gets the pics of which spawn of Satan.

OK! magazine will print the pictures in their 15 international editions and are, apparently. beside themselves with excitement.

A spokesperson for the OK! magazine said: "It is fantastic for these international markets, and especially important with the immense strength the exclusive will bring to the new launch of OK! Spain."

The share price of all international markets plummeted overnight and at least 300 Spaniards have been trampled to death as millions attempt to leave the country on foot.

Plans for feeding the entire third world for the next two years have been put on hold until J-Lo and her obscenely proliferate addition to the spawntourage have been paid for a couple of photoshoped digital pictures, following their exit from the womb.

On a much happier note, Paris Hilton has reportedly been banned from the Oscars.

The hotel heiress - whose latest movie The Hottie and the Nottie grossed just $9,000 at the US box office in its opening weekend - was devastated after being told she couldn't attend the event.

A source said: "She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She's desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives."

Hot? Salty? Tears?

Hey, wasn't that how we all reacted to One Night in Paris?

Ooops. Sorry. That was: "cold", "bitter", "snorts".

Paris had even splashed out £2 million on a designer dress for the ceremony at Hollywood's Kodak Theatre.

Sure she did ("snort"). Because two million in British pounds is around four million in Australian money, and for those sort of dollars she could buy one frock, Buckingham Palace, 86 new chihuahuas and a nose job.

(I said nose job!)

Paris is now considering going to one of the many after-show parties but may have to wear a disguise.

A source added to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards but might wear her trademark wig to save her dignity."

We all know that attending parties in disguise, because you're not invited, not welcome and you're the Ebola of celebutards, is extraordinarily dignified.


  1. Paris... Dignity...

    Heh heh heh

    [message ends]

  2. Paris can have my invite to the awards, unfortuately I have nothing to wear this year.

  3. Darlene2:07 PM

    $6 million, that's a tad offensive isn't it?

    Why would baby photos be that interesting anyway? Oh, the babies are cute, right thanks bye. Perhaps they should donate the money to babies who aren't going to be as financially privileged as their bundles of joy.

    I've sworn off women's magazines this year (I am getting the shakes just thinking about it because I'm going through withdrawal), so no pictures of J Lo, whatever J Lo's husband's name is, and the kids for me.

    Poor poor poor Paris. No, really, poor poor Paris. No, just joking. P

  4. J Lo and Marc Anthony?

    "I come not to birth these twins but, rather, to make obscene money from them."

  5. I had to give up the trash mags a while back Darlene, when I became overwhelmingly repelled and appalled by the Brit-Brit coverage. A mentally ill young woman surrounded by 30 or 40 men with cameras where ever she goes isn't my idea of trivial gossip fodder. Sickening, even by current barbaric standards.

    I'm almost totally reliant on good old Mx for light gossip at present, and a weekly quick look at one or two gossip blogs.

    Father - I don't think she'll do much of the actual birthing. Just a hunch.

  6. I don't undestand the interest in these photos. Don't these magazine readers have lives? Don't they care about the money they waste buying these over-priced rags? It's just outrageous.

  7. Darlene10:17 AM

    Oh, yes, the Britney thing has been horrendous. See Britney as she cries on her steps, see Britney as she flees from court, see Britney as she goes out in a pink wig, see Britney drunk and dishevelled, see Britney fall apart in full colour. It must be hard enough to have a mental illness as a ‘normal’ person, imagine dealing with erratic emotions when you’re surrounded by people who want a piece of your flesh.

    It’s interesting hearing the conversations of women at work about topics such as Britney (mind you, I don’t think some of the women at work have heard the word “feminism”). One such interchange was dominated by discussion about how she’s nuts and a skank or words to that effect. It took a young man in the office to pipe up with “If she was man, she’d be a rock ‘n’ roll hero” to change the conversation’s tack somewhat.

    Britney’s mum has also been demonised (as has her dad, who I understand has been pretty much dismissed as a deadbeat). While allowing her daughter to adopt a sexualised image at such a young age was pretty rank and the whole “I’m a Christian mum” thing is pretty annoying, we have no idea what sort of mum she is. More than a few girls have had children young (as Britney did and as her sister is about to do). One wonders if the Spears family background (from the South and all that) makes it easier for people to mock them.

    Mohamed Al Fayed isn't someone I was to quote or support, basically because conspiracy theories ain't my thing. However, his theory about the paparazzi works on a kind of metaphorical level. The press (and we the readers) are stalking celebrities like Britney, and if it all ended in tragedy with Britney, the press and the readers would be expressing their upset and tut-tutting.

  8. I refuse to look it up, so just tell me: Is Paris really in a movie called "The Hottie and the Nottie"? On your answer depends my future welfare.

  9. It's true.

    It grossed around (I think) $US9000 during its first weekend (which was not long ago), despite opening in a few hundred(?)cinemas across the US of A.

    Your *welfare* is totally shot to hell.

    Next time: don't ask.

  10. Ah, how things have changed from the olden-days Darlene, when we innocently saw Spot run, Spot fetch, Spot jump, and pretended that Spot didn't lick his nether regions.

    My pet hate has always been the perpetual accusation that Britney is a drug and alcohol abuser. I never ever believed it. Yet, for the last couple of years, and it continues - blogs and commenters and trash mags - endlessly repeat the lie of Brit being perpetually drugged and drunk. There is zero evidence, never has been, yet the lie persists. Guess it's just not as "sexy" to write about mental illness, and not as much "fun" to ridicule and humiliate a sober person who happens to be very ill. The drugs / drink mantra has to be maintained so as to justify the use of Brit as an "lesson", in something, even though it has no connection to the truth of her situation.

    In the last 12 mths it’s estimated that other people made anywhere between $200 to $300 million from the Britney stalking and gossip industry, which is pretty sickening, and leads into my other pet hate: the gossips and commentators who cling to the mantra that Britney is an attention whore who WANTS to be surrounded by four dozen photographers 24x7. I suppose it’s possible that she cares deeply for their welfare, and is doing her bit to help them earn an income, and to keep mag editors across the world in steady supply of Prada handbags. I doubt it, but anything is possible. Some people have peculiar charitable endeavors, perhaps this is Brit’s.

    There seems, possibly, to be some progress in Brit regaining some semblance of better mental health, of which I am relieved, and hope things continue along that path, but for a while there I honestly feared for her life. Unlike Di (whose penchant for being photographed and her permanent hotline to the papzz is extensively documented and proven), any harm to Brit would have been directly caused by the photogs, the editors, the so called journalists, the gossip blogs, and yes, the public. Talk about desperately seeking to kill the prey. Obscene.

    One of the many benefits of the Internet is being able to view the papzz at work. I don’t often look at the video footage, mostly because I don’t have time, inclination or bandwidth, but every now and then I have had gone to the trouble of running the videos on TMZ or other gossip blogs, and it’s genuinely disturbing stuff, or should I say, it’s surreal.

    One that I watched was a dark street, no street lighting to speak of, the scene is outside Brad Pitt’s house. Pitt exits house, gets on his motorbike, and rides off. No more than, maybe 30 seconds of “action”, and, quite frankly, not a scene that would make for interesting photo’s – hey, we already knows what Pitt looks like, right? The surreal part was his exit from the house, into the blackened street: all of a sudden the street lit up like the MCG for night footy. It was astonishing to watch. The guy wasn’t even “doing” anything for gawd’s sake, and then he was gone, yet there must have been dozens of papzz sitting and waiting, essentially for nothing remotely interesting to anyone.

    The other video that I watched was of Brit going for a toilet stop, at a café, or such. The toilet was inside the café, and when she tried to exit, there was no-where for her to go. Dozens of papzz had surrounded the entrance to the ladies toilet in a sort of semi-circle. Of course, the gossip blogs subsequently ridiculed Brit for not wanting to exit the toilets, and for asking one of papzz into the ladies loo, which she did purely so as to seek his help in getting her out of the café. A scene like that in a movie would be laughed-off as being over the top and ludicrous, but this is one woman’s REAL LIFE – not so funny, not so easy to right it off when you see the video footage and see her fear, not for the first time. I've only watched a handful of videos of Brit surrounded by the leaches, and her fear is real, palpable.

    Mohamed Al Fayed is a very sad case Darlene. He is locked within his delusions, and, with his wealth, there is no-one around him to help him come back to reality – who would dare? I feel very sorry for him, his pain is real enough. I’m sure he’s a nice man, but a tortured and sick man.