January 20, 2008

You too can be an OT III

This blog, as you all know, has a strict policy of enlightening the masses, and, whenever possible, saving my dear readers lots of money.

Today I'm saving each of my readers millions of dollars, and decades of unrelenting brainwashing dedicated study.

Today you will each reach the level of an OT III in Scientology-land. The following essay is the secret at the very pinnacle of Scientology, known only to OT III's - which now includes all of us (whoppee!).

Disclaimer: sure, a six year old could have written a more eloquent short story, but this is about ultimate enlightenment, not literature, 'kay?

Taking bets: how long did it take L.Ron.Hubbard to write this "story"? (I bags six minutes.)

Who is Xenu?

Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were over-populated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

The story doesn’t end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a “thetan” in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called “implanting”.

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today."

Makes you wonder why the Bible and the Koran are so darned long, doesn't it?

Now, go forth and control animals and humans with your will and move inanimate objects with your mind. Feel free to share your out of body play-time experiences with other readers.

Hubbard's Xenu story via Operation Clambake - Undressing Scientology since 1966


  1. Anonymous3:24 PM

    I've finally stopped laughing enough to make a comment now..(Kath pauses to wipe tears from eyes)
    Don't know about enlightenment, Caz~!
    The lights are on..but nobody's home, I reckon..

    This of course goes a long way to explaining why TC is such a dickhead, and why Nicole gave him the boot!

  2. Anonymous4:44 PM

    TC - at his level of Scientology should be now capable of reading peoples' minds, out of body travel and psychokineseis among many other weird and wonderful abilities.

    Poor TC - paid all that money to become an arrogant ponce.

  3. Ah, not so fast with giving Nic credit Kath.

    Tom booted her, via his lawyer.

    A little man who is so small he had to get the hired help to tell Nic that the marriage was over.

  4. Yes Justin - TC is supposedly one of the most evolved arrogant ponce on this planet.

    (Hmmm, wonder what stage Kirstie Alley is at?)

  5. Anonymous9:02 PM

    Nic had poor judgement..
    I wouldn't have married the ponce for all the tea in China!

    Besides.. He doesn't even have a potomac!!

  6. Anonymous9:49 PM

    Kirsty A is obviously at the suck it and see stage. The more she sucks the more of her you see.

  7. Anonymous9:58 PM

    You're a funny man Jus.

  8. Kirsty Alley is still showing the benefits of long term membership of her former church, that marvelous religious sect in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land, the Fosterites. To look at her it is most definitely based on beer – and everything that goes with it such as conspicuous consumption of unnecessary carbohydrates.

    A good old read that book. Must be thirty years since I read it. Marvelously witty and bitingly sarcastic at times, it even has a good description of Dubbya or Pat Robertson – take your pick:

    Religion is a solace to many people and it is even conceivable that some religion, somewhere, really is Ultimate Truth. But in many cases, being religious is merely a form of conceit. The Bible Belt faith in which I was brought up encouraged me to think that I was better than the rest of the world; I was 'saved' and they were 'damned' — we were in a state of grace and the rest of the world were 'heathens' and by 'heathen' they meant such people as our brother Mahmoud. It meant that an ignorant, stupid lout who seldom bathed and planted his corn by the phase of the Moon could claim to know the final answers of the Universe. That entitled him to look down his nose at everybody else. Our hymn book was loaded with such arrogance — mindless, conceited, self-congratulation on how cozy we were with the Almighty and what a high opinion he had of us and us alone, and what hell everybody else was going to catch come Judgment Day.

    Dubbya and Pat firmly believe that. Well, maybe not quite Dubbya

    And, to quote Jubal (a central character, chief cynic and mentor to the young Martian lad):

    Man, as a social animal, can no more escape government than the individual can escape bondage to his bowels.

  9. "... than the individual can escape bondage to his bowels"

    As always Father, thank you for sharing.