* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was described as a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
* When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
(Also filed under cringe-worthy things.)