January 11, 2008

Lexophile humour

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was described as a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

* When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

(Also filed under cringe-worthy things.)

7 comments:

  1. Kathy9:20 PM

    " With her marriage she got a new name and a dress."

    Heck that's nothin"

    I got two dresses!

    Yeah yeah.... I know, gottta get another seven to catch up to Liz ,eh?

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  2. I like the man who lost his left hand and he's right now...Lol!!

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  3. Ornella - ummm ... you haven't heard any good jokes for quite some time, have you? ;-)

    Kath - sure, sure, two's not exactly impressive. Seven names can be pretty confusing. 'Though seven nice frocks never go astray. Err, on the other hand, seven large white meringues in the wardrobe might be too much for any wife to bare.

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  4. Hahahahhahahahahaha
    hahahahahahaha
    hahhah
    haha
    ha

    ha

    h

    mmmmmmm

    What about these ?????????

    Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    Man with one chopstick go hungry.

    Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

    Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


    Yep pew....

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  5. Ah Justin me love.. You are such a funny man!

    Your wife is a very lucky woman I reckon!

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  6. I think my wife just feels sorry for me Kath darling.

    Anyway it seems to work wonderfully.

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