January 4, 2008

Alcohol Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action:
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom:
Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom:
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action:
Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action:
Have yourself lashed to bar.

Symptom:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action:
See above.

Symptom:
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action:
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom:
Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action:
Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom:
Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom:
Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action:
Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom:
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Fault: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action:
Cover mouth.

Symptom:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action:
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom:
Drink is crystal-clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action:
Punch him.

Symptom:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action:
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action:
See if they have free alcohol.

Symptom:
Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The drink is too weak.
Action:
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

Symptom:
Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Drink is just right.
Action:
Play air guitar.

8 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:54 PM

    OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH. OOH!
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!~ OOH

    hMMMM...don't ReEMember the words to the song???

    sERIOUSLY! I .. have ..forgotten what I had been thinking of Caz!

    Oh well .. that's what happens when ya have a few drinks on a Friday night eh?
    Hope you had a great New Year Caz!.
    Some idiots' woke me about midnight,setting off fireworks.

    To be expected I suppose!

    "Moonight Feels Right!"

    Remember that one Caz?

    The wind blew some luck in my direction... (FOR A CHANGE.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Many a time that your dulcet tones are at their very best on a Friday evening Kath. :-D

    Luck ... blowing ... to the loverly Kath?!

    Yippee!

    2008 shall be an excellent year Kath, it's off to a beaut start already!

    (I'm vicariously sharing in your wind and your luck.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, a primer. I love those ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous9:42 PM

    How about this...

    Symptom: All of a sudden you seem to be in a cosy country pub where all seems familiar and laid back, and not in that trashy King Street pisshouse you entered six hours ago with your drinking-buddy colleague from work.

    Fault: None at all, the refreshments are working a treat.

    Action: Continue drinking for a couple more hours, but ensure you have enough money for cab fare home. Remember to retrieve house keys from drinking-buddy, who wisely confiscated them to prevent earlier departure.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous9:58 PM

    By the way, this post reminded me of Harry's post a while ago on the ethics of the 'runner'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tee, hee, tee hee.

    Glorious Jacob.

    Cubicle would enjoy "the ethics of the runner" primer too, I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't need alcohol to play air guitar.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Funnily enough, we don't need alcohol to imagine you playing air guitar either.

    ReplyDelete