Jessica proved to be more skank than chanteuse this last 12 months, and is the winner of the failed single white female award for 2006, on points, for ditching her better looking and way smarter husband, because, supposedly, she and daddy Simpson believed that Nick Lachey was holding back Simpson’s career once he’d served his purpose as a groom and “reality” teevee fodder side kick.
Since the split, a mere year ago, Jessica can’t sing, can’t act, can’t dress for public consumption, can’t find a bloke, sets up pretend dates and tips off photographers, moans to everyone, mopes about, eats real food – even in public – wants her glory days back, obviously can’t understand what went wrong, blah, blah, blah.
Meanwhile, the discarded hubby is enjoying a surprise career surge and rumors continue that he will marry his attractive high profile girlfriend in the New Year. (That last part is possibly untrue.)
For divorcing a decent chap, because she thought she could do better without him, and then spending the ensuing year doing nothing but feeling sorry for herself and wandering about being utterly lame and pathetic, Jessica has overly earned her first prize. The way things are going, she looks as though she is already on her way to winning the prize this year too. Let’s hope not, for her sake, and to spare us being continually mortified by this dippy blonde.
As for Jennifer Aniston: honey, you’re a great comedic actress; you’ve even played some excellent dramatic roles – I’ve seen them, really, even if no one else did – you have enough money to never work another day in your life; you dated a boofy and unattractive guy for nearly 18 mths (whom trash mags lyingly described as "a hunk"), which must have been humiliating after years of waking up to Brad Pitt in your bed; you kept your dignity relatively in tact; and the public came around to your side when it became apparent that it wasn’t your unused uterus at fault; and there really was a ‘third party’ involved. You were holding it together, as best you could, under the circumstances (all expect the Vince Vaughn thing). But, seriously, it’s time Jen, it’s time to stop mooning over Brad, and it’s time to come out from under the big shadow cast by Angelina’s lips. Stand up, be proud, be single, or be a floosy for a while, acquire a baby the old fashioned, without even bothering to get married first, do something – anything – other being the bird who was dumped by Brad. You deserve a better epitaph in life than that, so get out there and earn one, not just for you, for all women. Really, we may be sick of the sight of you, but we’re still rootin’ for you. Come on Jen, there has to be life after Brad, we all want to believe that, just as much as you do.