January 1, 2007

Failed Single White Female of the Year

It’s almost, but not quite, a tied first place for Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston.

Jessica proved to be more skank than chanteuse this last 12 months, and is the winner of the failed single white female award for 2006, on points, for ditching her better looking and way smarter husband, because, supposedly, she and daddy Simpson believed that Nick Lachey was holding back Simpson’s career once he’d served his purpose as a groom and “reality” teevee fodder side kick.

Since the split, a mere year ago, Jessica can’t sing, can’t act, can’t dress for public consumption, can’t find a bloke, sets up pretend dates and tips off photographers, moans to everyone, mopes about, eats real food – even in public – wants her glory days back, obviously can’t understand what went wrong, blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, the discarded hubby is enjoying a surprise career surge and rumors continue that he will marry his attractive high profile girlfriend in the New Year. (That last part is possibly untrue.)

For divorcing a decent chap, because she thought she could do better without him, and then spending the ensuing year doing nothing but feeling sorry for herself and wandering about being utterly lame and pathetic, Jessica has overly earned her first prize. The way things are going, she looks as though she is already on her way to winning the prize this year too. Let’s hope not, for her sake, and to spare us being continually mortified by this dippy blonde.

As for Jennifer Aniston: honey, you’re a great comedic actress; you’ve even played some excellent dramatic roles – I’ve seen them, really, even if no one else did – you have enough money to never work another day in your life; you dated a boofy and unattractive guy for nearly 18 mths (whom trash mags lyingly described as "a hunk"), which must have been humiliating after years of waking up to Brad Pitt in your bed; you kept your dignity relatively in tact; and the public came around to your side when it became apparent that it wasn’t your unused uterus at fault; and there really was a ‘third party’ involved. You were holding it together, as best you could, under the circumstances (all expect the Vince Vaughn thing). But, seriously, it’s time Jen, it’s time to stop mooning over Brad, and it’s time to come out from under the big shadow cast by Angelina’s lips. Stand up, be proud, be single, or be a floosy for a while, acquire a baby the old fashioned, without even bothering to get married first, do somethinganything – other being the bird who was dumped by Brad. You deserve a better epitaph in life than that, so get out there and earn one, not just for you, for all women. Really, we may be sick of the sight of you, but we’re still rootin’ for you. Come on Jen, there has to be life after Brad, we all want to believe that, just as much as you do.


  1. Anonymous3:27 PM

    Speaking of rootin' Caz, must of been a good one last night(nudge nudge!) eh?

    You are certainly hot to trot today lovey.

    YOU GO GIRL!!!

    And here I was thinkin' what a quiet demure little grandmother you were!!

  2. Anonymous3:33 PM

    Btw Caz, I too thought that Vince Vaughan was a bit of a dipstick. Don't know what women see in him.

    As for Btitney.. UGH!!
    It's her kids I really feel sorry for. ( Kath shakes head)

  3. Ironically Fed-ex has taken to wearing grown up clothing, suites and ties, and such, while Brit romps around sans panties and / or bra.

    It would be funny, err ... okay, it is funny.

    I'd take a punt the kids are being very well cared for, by an army of highly paid staff.

    As much as I can understand Brit wanting to let off a bit of steam after being confined for a couple of years while breeding, and after dumping the hubby from hell, I still can't help but think she shouldn't have gone to the trouble of letting off two years worth of steam in a short couple of months. She could have let at out in a slow hissing fashion, over a much longer period of time. After investing in some undies.


    Just a thought.

  4. Anonymous9:29 PM

    Hmm , Caz I tend to agree.

    But what galls me is because of Britney's lack of decency and decorum, her kids will forever be reminded of the " fanny incident" ( That's vagina for you yanks, not bottom!)

    They could have the best nanny in the world...

    But their mum!!!

    How embarrasing for them!

  5. Interestingly enough, I read today that her leading fan site is going to close down at the end of January (why plan, it? why announce in advance? why not just shut it down now?), and the reasons given were her lack of integrity and so on, can't remember exact words, and too lazy to look up the text. Quite surprising in a way, as it puts paid to the notion of "no publicity is bad publicity", and bearing in mind that this is coming from a FAN site.

    Compare and contrast: Paris Hilton forever on tape showing her total disinterest in sex, and revulsion for oral sex? Tommy Lee and Pammy - "it's yours, it's all yours, oh daddy".


    Icky enough for kids to know that these things about their parents exist, I imagine they will spend a lifetime avoiding ever seeing or reading about such things - if that's even possible.

    On a scale of 1 to 10 Brit doesn't rate as badly as some of the personal videos around, but her brazenly public display does tend to push her somewhere above a five in the totally distasteful and appalling department.

  6. I know it's a little late, but happy new year to you too, Cazzy! And Kath! And TimT! And everyone else...you know who you are.

  7. I didn't know that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston broke up...?

  8. You're right, Vince is kind of shlubby, but most guys are kind of shlubby. Would you deny us--er, them--the fantasy that Janiston might just happen along and fall for them?

  9. "The Breakup" happened some weeks ago James - Vince spent the night with a 21 yr old college student, who emailed a squillion of her closest girlfriends the next day. They didn't have sex, she assured them all, "but it was just as good" (err, yeah, right, whatever).

    No Drunka, I would never deny them that fantasy, but jeez I wish I COULD ban the reality sometimes - sorry, but Kate Moss marrying Pete Doherty (real, not rumour) is such an indictment of women everywhere that I can't even think what to say. It's not as though there is any defence for any woman marrying Pete Doherty, let alone the likes of Kate Moss doing so. I know it's not important in the scheme of life, the universe and everything, but Doherty is so supremely repulsive in every regard - good grief, he looks as though he neither showers nor brushes his teeth - EVER - apart from all of his other deficiences, and THIS is the guy that Moss lusts after most in the world??!!!! It's so wrong, so very, very, very wrong. Next they'll breed, which is even more wrong.

  10. OH THANK THE HEAVENS - yet again, the MSM were hyperventilating over nothing, nothing, nothing at all!

    Moss and Doherty have - so her spokesperson claims - NOT married!

    Yeah, there is hope for world peace, a cure for cancer, and happiness for all. Yes, yes there is

  11. Caz, you sound like the Dear Abby from Down Under ;-)

  12. It's "that" time of the year Cube, the silly season, before life gets all serious again, and before journalists and pollies get back from holidays ... it's all trite and trivia this time of the year, which is good in many ways. I'm thinking I should go down market this year, focusing on entirely inconsequential matters!!!