September 19, 2006

Going Guantanamo

The US Department of Defense has released the top ten reasons why prisoners choose Guantanamo Bay:

1. The detainees at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility include bin Laden’s bodyguards, bomb makers, terrorist trainers and facilitators, and other suspected terrorists.

2. More money is spent on meals for detainees than on the U.S. troops stationed there. Detainees are offered up to 4,200 calories a day. The average weight gain per detainee is 20 pounds.

3. The Muslim call to prayer sounds five times a day. Arrows point detainees toward the holy city of Mecca.

4. Detainees receive medical, dental, psychiatric, and optometric care at U.S. taxpayers’ expense. In 2005, there were 35 teeth cleanings, 91 cavities filled, and 174 pairs of glasses issued.

5. The International Committee of the Red Cross visits detainees at the facility every few months. More than 20,000 messages between detainees and their families have been exchanged.

6. Recreation activities include basketball, volleyball, soccer, ping pong, and board games. High-top sneakers are provided.

7. Departing detainees receive a Koran, a jean jacket, a white T-shirt, a pair of blue jeans, high-top sneakers, a gym bag of toiletries, and a pillow and blanket for the flight home.

8. Entertainment includes Arabic language TV shows, including World Cup soccer games. The library has 3,500 volumes available in 13 languages — the most requested book is “Harry Potter.”

9. Guantanamo is the most transparent detention facility in the history of warfare. The Joint Task Force has hosted more than 1,000 journalists from more than 40 countries.

10. In 2005, Amnesty International stated that “the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay has become the gulag of our times.”

Fact number ten was intended as a shot at Amnesty for comparing the five-star Guantanamo lodgings with the Soviet labor camps. After all, the Russians never provided high-tops, teeth cleaning, ping pong tables, or Harry Potter books.

[For the folks at home: there really are much easier ways to get a dental appointment or a Harry Potter book, really there are – ed ]


  1. It's more than those monsters deserve. They're lucky I'm not in charge.

  2. There may be easier ways to get a dental appointment or a Harry Potter book, but what about the high-tops, Caz? What about the high-tops?

  3. It took some organising, but a whole set of high tops are in the mail and on their way to you right now Drunka.

    So, please, DON'T DO ANYTHING, okay? Nothing, just sit there and wait, no rash or desperate actions. High tops are on the way.

  4. At least give me some hope on this... PLEASE tell me that the flight home consists of a seat on a C130 and the back door "accidently" opens while over the Pacific Ocean and that they "accidently" fall out into a pool of sharks and that the crew "accidently" take video footage of it to prove that the worthless pile of human waste IS NOT buried according to Islamic Law nor laid to rest whole and complete after NOT exploding themselves.

  5. I did see some info about the care basket lovingly provided to inmates when they leave Jai, but I, um, thought someone was making it up, having a bit of a joke.