July 10, 2006

Wait ... Canada has a Warship?

Just catching up with news from the last few years - you know how it is, sometimes you get so far behind you wonder where the years went.

I've finally reached 2002, and now that I have some Canadian friends (which I didn't, back in 2002), this story is a little homage, just for them.

"Canada Warship Seizes Tanker in Arabian Sea" -- Reuters, Feb. 8, 2002


Oh Right, and Switzerland Has Nuclear Weapons

Arabian Sea (SatireWire.com) — Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax.

The HMCS Vancouver
The Halifax Class frigate Vancouver.

"You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war?

"Does Canada know?" he added.

"Nobody was more stunned than we were," said Kali Omari, first mate of the seized vessel. "We saw this frigate steaming toward us, and we were worried, but then we saw the maple leaf on the flag, and we thought, 'Oh, Canadians. What the hell do they want?'"

When an officer of the HMCS Vancouver announced that the tanker was about to be boarded, the crew of the detained ship was confused, said Omari, but their confusion quickly turned to anger when they saw what the Canadians sailors were carrying.

"They were armed. With guns," said Omari. "Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"

"They were pretty rude, too," Omari added. "They started asking us all sorts of questions, like 'Where did that oil come from?' But first we wanted to know who gave them the damn warship."

According to Canadian defense officials, the Vancouver is one of four frigates deployed in the region to assist in the U.S.-led Afghanistan conflict. The tanker was stopped, officials said, because its cargo of crude oil violated United Nations sanctions, which prohibit Iraq from selling oil unless in exchange for food and medicine.

The U.N. said the incident is already under investigation, and promised swift action against those found responsible for giving the Canadians guns. Initial findings indicate that the Vancouver crew may have been watching too many American television shows.

From SatireWire.com


  1. Anonymous10:35 PM

    DDH 280 Iroquois
    DDH 282 Athabaskan
    DDH 283 Algonquin
    FFH 330 Halifax
    FFH 331 Vancouver
    FFH 332 Ville de Quebec
    FFH 333 Toronto
    FFH 334 Regina
    FFH 335 Calgary
    FFH 336 Montreal
    FFH 337 Fredericton
    FFH 338 Winnipeg
    FFH 339 Charlottetown
    FFH 340 St. John\\\'s
    FFH 341 Ottawa
    SS 876 Victoria
    SS 877 Windsor
    SS 878 Corner Brook
    SS 879 Chicoutimi
    MM 700 Kingston
    MM 701 Glace Bay
    MM 702 Nanaimo
    MM 703 Edmonton
    MM 704 Shawinigan
    MM 705 Whitehorse
    MM 706 Yellowknife
    MM 707 Goose Bay
    MM 708 Moncton
    MM 709 Saskatoon
    MM 710 Brandon
    MM 711 Summerside
    AOR 509 Protecteur
    AOR 510 Preserver
    AGOR 172 Quest

    These are the current ships of a navy founded in 1910, you ignorant suburban single mother.

  2. Anonymous10:50 PM

    It is one of the largest naval forces in the world.

  3. I would have to guess that David didn't notice the "SATIRE" part in "SatireWire".

    Or he has no sense of humor? Something that I have so far found to be not at all true of Canadians.

    From this we deduce that, contrary to superficial impressions, David must not be Canadian, although he does like their ships very, very much.

    ["Suburban" - huh? Inner city dickbrain!]

  4. Canadian? David can't be Canadian - if he is then he must be one of those from Ontario or Quebec. Everyone knows that the trees in BC lean to the east because Ontario SUCKS!!! >:)

  5. Anonymous10:58 AM

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    FFH 334 Regina.

    Yeah right. Be still my trembling hands. Excuse me while I go change my pants.

  6. Anonymous11:02 AM

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    SS 877 Windsor.

    Listen if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. Always phone first. Charlie could have been here.

  7. Anonymous11:08 AM

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    MM 707 Goose Bay.

    Yeah sure they do. And I know goldfish bark because I've seen the bubbles.

  8. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    MM 709 Saskatoon.

    Can't help you I'm afraid. Yosemite Sam has just left.

  9. Anonymous11:19 AM

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    FFH 340 St. John///////'s

    B-Bless you F-F-Father. F-For a horrible m-m-m-moment then I thoght you m-m-might have been the C-C-Canadian n-navy.

  10. I can kill the humour in the knock-knock thing almost instantly....

    Knock knock

    Who's there?


    Amos who?

    A mosquito looking for a Canadian aircraft carrier.

    They have a ship named after Nanaimo???
    What about the:
    FFH 69 Saskatchewan
    MM 0IQ Newfie



  11. Ouch Jail, Ontario isn't that bad. Have some faith in your fellow Canadians xD

    btw, this article is pure win.

    "You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war?
    "Does Canada know?" he added.

    xD I died. Laughing

  12. Riney - yeah, it was a nice bit of satire, didn't hurt anyone. Still gives me a smile re-reading it after all this time. :-)