We’re excitedly looking forward to a State election here in
As always, the Greens – who have yet to win a seat in the Victorian parliament (as far as I can tell) – are jumping in early with fun and frivolity. The Greens – bless their little cotton socks and their hemp fibre tie-die overalls – love nothing more than taking the citizenry’s minds off their onerous voting decisions by lightening the atmosphere in the lead-up to the pointy-end of politics.
Yes, that’s right, in their idea of a great big election year whoopee cushion, the Greens have announced some of their major policies. This is a crafty strategic move by the Greens, not only diverting citizens from the problem of which bozo to vote for come November, but greedily taking for themselves a whole wad of policies that will be the envy of other – normal – politicians.
If only they’d been quicker at getting their paws into the policy lucky dip, other parties could have been blessed with these fab vote winners:
- Free taxpayer-funded heroin for hardcore addicts. [However, becoming a hardcore addict will not be mandatory. Recruitment will only be necessary if initial demand does not meet with hoped for projections.]
- Abolition of criminal sanctions for drug users. [Breaking the water restrictions by showering gardens or motor vehicles with gay abandon will still be illegal.]
- Introduction of injecting rooms across the state. [Diabetics will not be permitted to use these special rooms; they are for illicit drug users only, not for people with a life-threatening chronic disease. Clean, well-dressed diabetics attempting to pass themselves off as hardcore heroin addicts will be vocally berated, publicly humiliated, and asked to leave the nice rooms.]
- Around $10 billion or so to be spent on public transport over the next decade.
- Zero money to be spent on new roads for the next decade. [This will be accompanied by an across the board ban on all of the following: having babies; purchase of new vehicles; immigration; and building houses or businesses on currently vacant land.]
- Cut pokies from the current 30,000 to a measly 10,000 poker machines. [Old aged pensioners will be forced onto the streets to make their own recreational arrangements.]
- Ban eating and drinking in all gaming venues.
- Replace the status of animals as “property” to one of “beings” with recognizable legal rights. [Divorcing their owners, claiming half the family home, priority lanes on footpaths and parkland, access to professional tummy-rubbers, and all meals to come *fresh* from the natural food-chain, are some of the more favored rights being mooted.]
- Creation of local “sexuality guidance” groups for school children who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.
Among their less innovative policies are boosting education funding and establishing some industrial relations thingy.
Oh, and they don’t want any DUCKS to be shot! No more duck shooting seasons! (Well, they have MY vote already.)
Now, in case you don’t have this sorted in your head, here’s how things would work out: once you establish that you’re hardcore, you’ll be given free heroin, and a special room to hang-out for injecting purposes; having taken care of that twice daily chore, you might have to travel further than usual to find a pokie machine, and once you get there, you will not, under any circumstances be allowed to eat, drink, or, we assume, shoot up heroin while playing; you’ll also need to be careful when you’re driving, because the state of our roads and traffic volumes will be ignored for the next 10 years; and you’ll have to stop treating your dog as if it’s a dog of some sort, because he / she will have new legal rights; oh, and if you’re a gay, transgender, or generally bemused student – well, good for you, excellent, carry on.
While that pretty much solves all of the most compelling issues facing our little State and worrying the crap out of the citizenry of
In the weeks ahead, we can look forward to their policy “unveilings” on health, global warming, justice, the sexual benefits of crystal meth, architectural design for oompaloopas, social security payments for land animals (not goldfish or other water-dwellers), dress and hygiene codes for the homeless, and the “revive and gamble” initiative that will see food and drink buses provided in the car parks of the remaining gambling venues.