July 27, 2006

Electioneering whoopee cushion!

We’re excitedly looking forward to a State election here in Victoria, before the year is out.

As always, the Greens – who have yet to win a seat in the Victorian parliament (as far as I can tell) – are jumping in early with fun and frivolity. The Greens – bless their little cotton socks and their hemp fibre tie-die overalls – love nothing more than taking the citizenry’s minds off their onerous voting decisions by lightening the atmosphere in the lead-up to the pointy-end of politics.

Yes, that’s right, in their idea of a great big election year whoopee cushion, the Greens have announced some of their major policies. This is a crafty strategic move by the Greens, not only diverting citizens from the problem of which bozo to vote for come November, but greedily taking for themselves a whole wad of policies that will be the envy of other – normal – politicians.

If only they’d been quicker at getting their paws into the policy lucky dip, other parties could have been blessed with these fab vote winners:

  • Free taxpayer-funded heroin for hardcore addicts. [However, becoming a hardcore addict will not be mandatory. Recruitment will only be necessary if initial demand does not meet with hoped for projections.]
  • Abolition of criminal sanctions for drug users. [Breaking the water restrictions by showering gardens or motor vehicles with gay abandon will still be illegal.]
  • Introduction of injecting rooms across the state. [Diabetics will not be permitted to use these special rooms; they are for illicit drug users only, not for people with a life-threatening chronic disease. Clean, well-dressed diabetics attempting to pass themselves off as hardcore heroin addicts will be vocally berated, publicly humiliated, and asked to leave the nice rooms.]
  • Around $10 billion or so to be spent on public transport over the next decade.
  • Zero money to be spent on new roads for the next decade. [This will be accompanied by an across the board ban on all of the following: having babies; purchase of new vehicles; immigration; and building houses or businesses on currently vacant land.]
  • Cut pokies from the current 30,000 to a measly 10,000 poker machines. [Old aged pensioners will be forced onto the streets to make their own recreational arrangements.]
  • Ban eating and drinking in all gaming venues.
  • Replace the status of animals as “property” to one of “beings” with recognizable legal rights. [Divorcing their owners, claiming half the family home, priority lanes on footpaths and parkland, access to professional tummy-rubbers, and all meals to come *fresh* from the natural food-chain, are some of the more favored rights being mooted.]
  • Creation of local “sexuality guidance” groups for school children who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

Among their less innovative policies are boosting education funding and establishing some industrial relations thingy.

Oh, and they don’t want any DUCKS to be shot! No more duck shooting seasons! (Well, they have MY vote already.)

Now, in case you don’t have this sorted in your head, here’s how things would work out: once you establish that you’re hardcore, you’ll be given free heroin, and a special room to hang-out for injecting purposes; having taken care of that twice daily chore, you might have to travel further than usual to find a pokie machine, and once you get there, you will not, under any circumstances be allowed to eat, drink, or, we assume, shoot up heroin while playing; you’ll also need to be careful when you’re driving, because the state of our roads and traffic volumes will be ignored for the next 10 years; and you’ll have to stop treating your dog as if it’s a dog of some sort, because he / she will have new legal rights; oh, and if you’re a gay, transgender, or generally bemused student – well, good for you, excellent, carry on.

While that pretty much solves all of the most compelling issues facing our little State and worrying the crap out of the citizenry of Victoria, the Greens are not finished yet.

In the weeks ahead, we can look forward to their policy “unveilings” on health, global warming, justice, the sexual benefits of crystal meth, architectural design for oompaloopas, social security payments for land animals (not goldfish or other water-dwellers), dress and hygiene codes for the homeless, and the “revive and gamble” initiative that will see food and drink buses provided in the car parks of the remaining gambling venues.


  1. Anonymous10:30 PM

    "Architectural design for oompaloompas" Heh Heh Heh.( Great post Caz ). Reminds me of the oompaloompas song.

    Oompa loompa doompadee doo
    I've got a perfect puzzle for you.
    If you are wise you'll listen to me.
    What do you get when you vote GREEN!
    Something Brown horrible and obscene!
    If you're not green you will go far.
    You will live in happiness too.
    Like the oompa loompa doompadee DOO!!!

    Personally, though, Caz, I think the GREENS should just shut the DUCK UP! Hmmmmm?

  2. Actually, I am kind-of with the supplying of drugs to addicts but ONLY on these terms....

    Using Queensland as an example, Moreton Island or Fraser Island would be taken back and set up with budget living quarters. EVERY person known to be an addict would be shipped there - to stay - until proven to be over the habit.

    At a predetermined time every day, every person on the island would front up to receive their drug of choice whereupon they would return to their lives on the island (working in industry set up over there or something similar....).

    Access to the island by friends and relatives is not permissable.
    Access to the mainland from inhabitants of the island is also not permissable.

    Of course it is a simplified version but think just how much crime would go DOWN in this country if the druggos didn't have to break into the homes of other people to get money for drugs? How much organised crime (besides the political kind) would go down? The bonus would be seeing the bleeding heart dickheads explode in frustration when being told that their opinion means nothing and if they don't like the new rules of the country, they can leave.

    As for the Greens - they are TOTALLY FULL OF SHIT!!!
    If a country as liberal as the Netherlands cannot make shooting galleries work then what makes these MORONS think that they can make it work? That is the height of ignorance and stupidity!

  3. Funny thing is Jay, in Victoria, there have only been a handful of heroin deaths this year, compared to many hundreds each year about a decade ago.

    Of any point in time, in relation to community drug problems, this is the very time when there is NO NEED for these solutions. The problem has already fixed itself. Less demand for heroin, the strength of the drugs is way down from the giddy over-dose hey days, clean syringes have been available for eons, and barely one death a month for the whole State. This is no longer a problem in search of answers, but the Greens want to throw millions of dollars around to "fix" it. Too stupid.

    Good thing they will never govern, but I wish they never had a chance at balance of power either, which is always so damaging - by the obscene political compromises that are made (by both sides of politics) in those circumstances. Grrrrrr. Makes me quite angry what the major parties capitulate to, quaking in their little boots, believing they will lose their power if they don't give in to fuck-witted minorities and fringe-dwellers.

  4. Oh, Margaret! I thought our liberals & greenies were bad.