June 27, 2006

Clever, useless, alive: dead sexy

If you can combine being exceptionally good at doing something difficult, yet utterly useless, and keep safe and protected from predators while you’re at it – keep yourself alive, in other words – that’s pretty much what it takes to be mega-alluring to the opposite sex, or so our primitive brains might dictate.

Evolutionary biologists seem to have taken a feather out of the caps of the academic glitterati of inconsequential studies (that would be the social sciences to the rest of you) with this notion that poetry, singing, the visual arts, and so on, can be culturally explained by looking at the benefits such creative and useless activities may bestow on the initiator of such creative and useless activities.

Yes, some scientists are in the process of testing the elasticity of Darwin’s ideas, not for any particular reason, or to gain predictive knowledge, but just for the hell of it, in much the same way that feminists, to this very day, insist on making use of Marxism, even though Marx had nothing to say about women, other than: “yes thank you, a cup of tea would be most welcome”; or “oh, another baby, oops”.

Obviously, some people are much better at being clever and useless than others, and given that being clever but useless is remarkably attractive, this, naturally, led our evolutionary biologists to conclude:

“If someone can do difficult things, not only carrying peacock tail feathers or a long dark lion mane, but also things that require much practice without contributing to physical fitness and survival, and yet stay alive, that individual must have especially good genes. They are therefore sexually attractive.” [Read the whole thing ...]

So, get to it: practice, practice, practice those useless artistic ventures, flaunt your long dark mane, being sure to stay alive, and the opposite sex might flock to you – they might not too, but at least you’ll be doing something utterly clever and useless while you’re trying to attract love.

[Yes, yes: now we understand why Drunka has been blessed by the devotion and adoration of Mrs Drunka.]


  1. Something clever and utterly useless. Sounds like my kind of profession. Could explain Mrs captain's behaviour as well. And that we are going to have a baby in 12 days.

  2. OMG - as Marx would have said “oh, another baby, oops”.

    Holy moly! That's bub number two?

    Were you clever, really, really clever, by applying appropriate practices so that you reap one of each, or is gender unknown at this point?

    Hope Mrs Captain is coming along nicely and that all goes well.

    I expect NOTIFICATION of safe arrival, name, weight, hair colour and so on (no, no, not for Mrs Captain, for the baaaby!).

  3. Anonymous10:46 PM

    Onya doc.Best wishes to you and the missus. cheers mate ! Another little Aussie....

  4. For the likes of me two out of three (useless; alive) ain't bad.

  5. Anonymous10:42 AM

    Ah yes.

    The birth of another little taxpayer ready to come on stream just in time for my dotage is always cause for smug satisfaction, if not outright celebration.

  6. Geoff - you sentimental old thing. *shucks*

  7. Hey thanks to all for the comments. This is number 3. We have a 5yr old and 3yr old.

    I will post all of the details as they are available.

  8. Hang on... *clever* yet useless and with a pulse is desirable?

    Obviously I am missing one or more of the requirements needed here....

    I don't think I am useless as I can do a LOT of things and do them well, so that is one avenue that I've failed in already.

    As for the 'clever' - let's not even go there as I want to go on a bit longer telling myself that I'm not dumb :)

    Then again... look at what all the girlies are going for nowadays: Skinny little dweebs with no ability to do a day of work; have no honour or integrity; are downright useless for everything other than being mulch; have the build of a strand of spaghetti (and let's not forget those big, tough tattoos of barbed wire on the arm which they probably got a discount for due to the saving on the ink used); and treat the girls badly.

    So... not useless - not skinny - not weak - got integrity - (still avoiding that clever thing.... :)
    I'm screwed! :p

  9. Anonymous1:32 PM

    Wow. It's like you see into my soul, man.