September 28, 2005

Help for Stupid People

In case we needed proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some real instruction labels, found on real consumer goods:

  • On a Sears hairdryer – “Do not use while sleeping.”
    [When else would I find time to work on my hair?]
  • On a bag of Fritos – “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
    [The shoplifter special.]
  • On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    [And that would be....]
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    [But, it's only a suggestion.]
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert - printed on bottom -- "Do not turn upside down."
    [Should have told me sooner.]
  • On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating."
    [And you thought...]
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body."
    [But wouldn't this save time?]
  • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction site accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.]
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    [I'm taking this because....]
  • On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    [As opposed to…]
  • On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    [Ah, somebody help me out here...]
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts."
    [Thanks for the news flash.]
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    [Step 3: say what?]
  • On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    [Who should we blame for this?]
  • On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    [Okay, there can only be one reason why this had to be posted as a warning.]


  1. Priceless, I love this post. My favorite: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

    Thanks for the laugh :-)

  2. Anonymous3:26 AM

    Not everyone takes notice of things like "Do not iron clothes on body.", I know I have on more than one occasion had to iron a crease out of my legware without taking them off.

  3. Somewhere there's a lawyer just waiting for a chainsaw that doesn't say, "Don't attempt to stop with genitals."

  4. I can't believe the swedish chainsaw warning is genuine...???

  5. Ooooh… come on Craig, own up. You’re a guy, you have a penis, you probably own a chainsaw, or know some other guy with a penis who owns a chainsaw.

    Now, what do guys do with their penises hmmm? They like to try them out don’t they Craig, test the limits, see just how far they can go in the world with their dangly bits. What’s the point of having a penis if you have to restrict its use? Exactly!

    Never done anything slightly inventive with your penis? Hmm?

  6. Oh how naughty Caz!

    Were you thinking of something like this?

    -- Nora

  7. Yes, yes indeed, Nora. But I'll bet no chainsaws were used in the placement of the charming rose arrangements.

    PS – I also suspect that they both could have managed just as nicely with little posies, but that’s another guy thing.