July 28, 2005

More Bags, No Style

Just when you thought it was safe to catch a train, along comes a new designer bag to put the fear into commuters everywhere.

It’s a hideous neon orange thing; large, chunky, clunky – plenty big enough to hold at least a 4 kilo bomb, with room to spare for the yoga mat and the latest Harry Potter book.

Six of these monstrosities – yes, that’s six only – have found their way to our shores. Just so we don’t get too overwhelmed, they have been evenly distributed between Sydney and Melbourne, with three going to each city.

The three Melbourne bags had their very own soiree last night, presumably sitting behind protective glass, so that the assembled D-grade crowd couldn’t lay their scrawny little fingers upon the bags, which even have their very own name – “Will You Be Mine”. Hmm……and I thought people with hyphened surnames had a hard time of it, but perhaps in New York, the trend in monikers has shifted away from the silly to lengthy.

So, the challenge will be this: find the three pretentious twits in each of Sydney and Melbourne who have purchased these bags.

If you are fortunate enough to spot any of the women with the really hideous “Will You Be Mine” bag – as carried by many silly celebs – firstly, immediately turn to your friend and start whispering, giggling, and pointing, but only briefly. Secondly, let your lightness of mood shift, very suddenly, and move through a look of being alert, then alarmed, and finish with grave concern, as you desperately scour the street for a member of the constabulary. Once the latter is found and eye contact made, rush to the officer with a mix of panic and relief. Finally, point out the enormous orange “hand” bag, and explain the obviously suspicious nature of such, then leave the rest to the police.

Go to it – only six in the country, it can’t be too difficult to have them all confiscated by the police by the end of the week. Let’s hope this campaign is successful, both to save lives as well as to preserve the aesthetics of our local streets.

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